It was the night before New Year’s Eve and I was sat up looking out into the black sea, listening to the waves. I couldn’t sleep and had taken a Nytol, a rare occurrence since we moved up here and so I was waiting for it to take effect.
I was full of uncertainly for the future and having been given a gift of ‘Eat Pray Love’ for Christmas from discerning friends I was dwelling on the current chapter. Still in Rome Liz was pondering on her place in the world if she never has any children….as an old lady one day she imagined a family gathering…..who would she be…what would make her feel fulfilled.
As a childless adult this has often been a preoccupation of mine, not that I made a decision not to have children but that there just was not the right moment. It still grieves me if I let it. What else will I have given society in my life…my books…I am a writer….is that enough….am I successful for it to be enough…..?
Into the depths of the black ocean I asked the question… What happens next? Please guide me on the right path….but after a moment’s quiet the answer came…
How can I guide you on the right path to the future if you are not living fully in the present. ‘Now’ is my gift to you. Learn to enjoy it.
Isn’t that hard sometimes, especially when you are on your own. I had planned to have ten days off from writerly type things this Christmas….a total break. The fact that my husband decided not to do the same and even went to work for a few hours yesterday on one of his days off means that I spend a great deal of time on my own…I clean, cook, iron, shop but find it hard to just sit down and enjoy reading.
Out of the window it’s raining but the sea is lapping over the rocks and there is a brightness in the sky ahead. I know the sun will shine soon….such is the certainty of living here.
Maybe, like Liz, I need to learn to enjoy pleasure without guilt. Do you know I think it will be my New Year’s resolution!
Diana Jackson 31/12/2013